A lawyer and a blonde
woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New
The lawyer leans over to
her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired
and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.
Again, the blonde
politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that
since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes
another offer. "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you
pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it
to the lawyer.
The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails
to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over
an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
Children and the Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?
“Sixteen,” the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy, “ the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say,” he asked?
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh...then why do you keep crossing things out?”
Bob Hope Quoted
On turning 70: “You can still chase women, but only downhill.”
On turning 80: “That’s the time in your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”
On 90: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
On 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
On giving up his early boxing career: " I ruined my hands in the ring...the referee kept stepping on them."
On sailors: " They spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, and then go to Church to pray for crop failure."
On never winning an Oscar: "Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it is known at my house, Passover."
On golf: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
On Presidents: I have performed for twelve Presidents, and entertained six."
On going to heaven: "I've done benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."