Grins & Giggles
A Kentucky State Trooper pulled a car over on I-65 about
miles North of the
Kentucky/Tennessee state line.
Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding.
that he was a magician and juggler,
he was on his way to Nashville to do a
show that night at the Opryland,
didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver
that he was fascinated by
juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him he
wouldn't give him a
ticket. The driver
that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him
that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car,
if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the
Trooper got three flares, lit them,
handed them to the juggler.
the man was doing his juggling
act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy Redneck,
got out and watched the
performance briefly, then went
over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door,
and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
as well take me
to jail Ossifer,
there's no way in hell I can pass that
Oklahoma State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-44. The trooper
asked, “Got any ID.”
The driver replied,
More Blonde Jokes
Two blondes were out in the woods, looking for a Christmas tree.
They were all bundled up, and they had thought of everything. They
had small axe to cut down the tree and a coil of rope to drag it
back through the snow.
They trudged through the
snow for hours, but couldn’t find the right tree. The wind was
blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. They were
determined to get just the right tree.
Finally, as the sun was
getting low on the horizon, one turned to the other and said,
“That’s it, I’ve had
enough. The next tree we come to we’re going to cut it down, whether
it’s decorated or not!”
Two blondes were gassing up their cars at a self-serve gas station.
One said to the other,
“I’ll bet these awful gas
prices are going to go even higher.”
The second blonde
“Won’t affect me, I
always put in just $10 worth.”
blonde hurried into the emergency room late one evening with the tip
of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?”
the emergency room doctor asked.
“Well, I was trying to
commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What, you tried to
commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No, silly, the blonde
said. “First I put the gun to my chest, but then I thought: I just
paid $6000 for breast implants, so I’m not shooting myself in the
“So then?” prompted the
“Then I put the gun to my
ear, and I thought: This is going to make a lot of noise. So I put
my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
blonde who lives in Dallas was driving home after a Dallas Cowboys
game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered
with dents, so the next day she took it to a body repair shop.
The shop owner, noting
that she was blonde, decided to have some fun. He told her to just
go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all of the
dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home,
got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tail
pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened. Her room mate, another blonde, arrived home at
this point and exclaimed, “What in the world are you doing.”
The first blonde told her
how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe to
get all of the dents to pop out.
“Duh, like hello! You
need to roll all of the windows up first.”
when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin.”—Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. I was here first.—Mark Twain
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending, and to have them as close together as possible.—George Burns
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.—Groucho Marx
Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.—Victor
have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.—Zsa Zsa
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.—Alex Levine
may not hurt you, but why take a chance.—Don Erwin
I was thirteen I thought my name was Shut Up—Joe Namath
it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.—Phyllis Diller
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go
worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid
could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress.—Will Rogers
never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s
time for my nap.—Bob Hope
am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.—Mark Twain
cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it our.—Unknown
had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed,
but fine against the wall.”—Eleanor Roosevelt
The owner of a
golf course near Fort Worth was confused about paying an invoice,
and asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his
office and said, “You graduated from Texas A&M, and I need some
help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
The secretary thought for
a moment, then replied, “Everything but my boots.”
You ‘gotta love those