Grins & Giggles

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The Law

 

A Kentucky State Trooper pulled a car over on I-65 about two miles North of  the Kentucky/Tennessee state line. The Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver explained that he was a magician and juggler, and that he was on his way to Nashville to do a show that night at the Opryland, and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket. The driver replied that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and  asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them, handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy Redneck, from Kentucky, got out and watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied,

You might’s as well take me to jail Ossifer, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.

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An Oklahoma State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-44. The trooper asked, “Got any ID.”

The driver replied, “‘Bout whut?”

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More Blonde Jokes

 

Two blondes were out in the woods, looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up, and they had thought of everything. They had small axe to cut down the tree and a coil of rope to drag it back through the snow.

They trudged through the snow for hours, but couldn’t find the right tree. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. They were determined to get just the right tree.

Finally, as the sun was getting low on the horizon, one turned to the other and said,

“That’s it, I’ve had enough. The next tree we come to we’re going to cut it down, whether it’s decorated or not!”

 

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Two blondes were gassing up their cars at a self-serve gas station. One said to the other,

“I’ll bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher.”

The second blonde replied,

“Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.”

 

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one evening with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What, you tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, silly, the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, but then I thought: I just paid $6000 for breast implants, so I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” prompted the doctor.

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a lot of noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

 

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A blonde who lives in Dallas was driving home after a Dallas Cowboys game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body repair shop.

The shop owner, noting that she was blonde, decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all of the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her room mate, another blonde, arrived home at this point and exclaimed, “What in the world are you doing.”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe to get all of the dents to pop out.

“Duh, like hello! You need to roll all of the windows up first.”

 

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Famous Quotes

 

1.         Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”—Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2.         Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. I was here first.—Mark Twain       

3.         The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have them as close together as possible.—George Burns

4.         I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.—Groucho Marx

5.         Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.—Victor Borge.

6.         I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.—Zsa Zsa Gabor

7.         Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.—Alex Levine

8.         Work may not hurt you, but why take a chance.—Don Erwin

9.         Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shut Up—Joe Namath

10.         Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.—Phyllis Diller

11.      By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.—Billy Crystal

12.      Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.—Winston Churchill

13.      We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.—Will Rogers

14.      I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.—W.C. Fields

15.      I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.—Bob Hope

16.      I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.—Mark Twain

17.      The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it our.—Unknown

18.      I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against the wall.”—Eleanor Roosevelt

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Texas Women

The owner of a golf course near Fort Worth was confused about paying an invoice, and asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from Texas A&M, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my boots.”

You ‘gotta love those Texas women.

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