A lady, a few days before Thanksgiving, was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local Safeway grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they’re dead.”
A truck driver was driving along Highway 99 south of Fresno, California. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars and trucks are backed up for miles.
Finally, a California Highway Patrol car drives up. The CHP officer gets out of his vehicle and casually saunters up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver replied, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A tour bus driver is driving a bus-load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady, “Why don’t you and your friends eat the peanuts?”
‘We can’t chew them because we don’t have any teeth,” she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”
It pays to be careful around old people.
The Way Children See Things!
Nudity: A man was driving with his three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in a convertible up ahead stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As the man was reeling from the shock he heard his five-year-old son shout from the back seat, Dad! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
Honesty: When Zachary, age four, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mother that he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. She calmly fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran into his parents bathroom and came out with her toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
“We better throw this one out too, ‘cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago also.
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup
to come out of the
bottle. During her struggle the
phone rang so she
daughter to answer the phone.
“Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Nudity: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, “What's
the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?”
Elderly: A woman working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins would, on occasion, take her four-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheel chairs, always intrigued the child.
One day she found her daughter staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As she braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions, the little girl merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
Dress up: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her father donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” he asked.
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” his daughter replied with a concerned look on her face.
School: A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
“I’m just wasting my time going to school,” she said to her mother.
“And why is that,” her mother asked.
and they won’t
let me talk!”
Bible: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered,
“I think it’s Adam's underwear!”
Catholic Parrots: A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
What do they say?" the priest inquired.
The woman replied, “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”’
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few moments the female parrots cried out in unison, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
“Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!”
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Curious, the wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced ten years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
The Blonde, the Baptist and the Cowgirl: A blonde cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, the beer goes flat soon after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one mug at a time.”
The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters, and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three mugs at a time and taking a sip from each in turn.
One day she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The blonde cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains. “It’s just that I joined the Southern Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn’t affected my sisters, though.”
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
A West Texas oil man went to church one Sunday, and afterward stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, “Preacher, I have to say that was a damned fine sermon. Damned fine!”
The preacher replied, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
However the man
went on, “I
was so damned impressed
The preacher blurted out, “No s--t?”
One morning, not long ago, two good ol’ boys—Cecil and Hudgie—walked into a diner in Bald Knob, Arkansas, and took their favorite spots at the counter. They ordered their usual breakfast of Jimmy Dean sausage, fried eggs, and grits with biscuits and coffee on the side.
Halfway through their meal, a woman at a nearby table began to cough. After a minute or so, it became abundantly clear, to all within ear shot, that she was in true distress.
Cecil wheeled around on his counter stool, looked over at her and inquired, “Ma’am, kin ya swallar?”
The woman shook her head from side to side.
“Ma’am, kin ya breathe?”
The woman, now turning a deeper blue-purple, again shook her head, “No!”
Cecil got off his stool, walked over to the lady in need and assisted her in standing. He lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her drawers and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman was so shocked that she had a violent respiratory spasm which propelled the epicurean obstruction harmlessly from her throat.
As the woman began to breathe again, Cecil walked slowly back to the counter, remounted his stool and resumed eating.
Hudgie looked over and observed, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I hain’t never seed nobody do it afore.”
Ain’t life in the South a wondrous thing?
Y’all have a good day now...ya' hear?