Grins & Giggles
Ice Fishing: A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field.
Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm, then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so.Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again,
'There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified the blonde looked skyward and asked,
"Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back,
"No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you? " Leroy replied,
"I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine".
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm okay," he said, "but I didn't! like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery.
"What did he say," the concerned nurse asked.
While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.
What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied, "You'd never get it all in one."
And that's the last words he spoke...the funeral was three days later.