Grins & Giggles
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?! "
The blonde said, "No, just up to my arm pits. I can splash it in my eyes!"
Jack, a confident young man-about-town, walked into a sports bar around 10:00 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The Ten O’clock News was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building who was threatening to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Jack says, “You know, I bet he will.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won't”
Jack placed a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the five o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his maternal grandmother. “Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that,” she asked.
“I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,” the little boy answered.
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his new employees.
“Yes sir,” the young man replied.
“Well then, that makes everything just fine.” The boss continued, “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
The Sunday School teacher asked his class, “Do you say prayers at home before eating?”
Little Zachary Erwin piped up, “No sir, we don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.”
The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”
A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in her cup.
“Honey,” she said, “what are these army men doing in my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “Grandma, it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”