Two rednecks from Calloway County, Kentucky are sittin’ in a boat on Kentucky Lake, fishing and suckin’ down beer, when all of a sudden Jim Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hain’t spoke’ to me in over six months.”
Hank takes a long draw on his beer and then opines, "I’d think on that fur awhile if I wuz’ you Jim Bob. A woman like that's hard to find.”
There’s been a lot of talk about illegal immigration lately, but Native Americans found out what happens when you don’t control immigration.
Two good ole Oklahoma boys were patiently sitting in a duck blind on Lake Oologah, each with shotgun across his knees and cold one in his hand, when one says to the other,
“If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer and make love to your wife next time you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second good ole boy cocked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes...obviously thinking real hard about the question.
Finally he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even.”
This blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her,
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and then repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns for her follow-up appointment she’s lost nearly twenty pounds.
“Why that’s amazing!” the doctor exclaims. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods and answers, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger you mean?” asks the doctor.
“No,” she replied, “from skipping.”
A nursery school teacher was delivering a mini van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past with its siren screaming. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver was a Dalmatian dog. The children started speculating as to what the dog’s duties were.
“They use him to keep the crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for luck.”
A third child brought the discussion to a close with her obvious conclusion. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
From Tennessee, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this little story:
Recently, a police officer on a routine patrol parked outside a bar in Memphis, Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a most of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a nice, dry summer night. He then flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, the man pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated that the man was stone-cold sober!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud redneck. “Tonight I’m the Designated Decoy.”
Some things to think about:
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The easiest way to find something around the house is to buy a replacement.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?