You Know You’re Getting Old…
· When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
· When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
· When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
· When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
· When your wife says, “Let's go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”
· Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
· When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
· You and your teeth don't sleep together.
· Your back goes out, but you stay home.
· You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
· It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
· Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
· Happy hour is a nap.
· When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
· Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
· It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
· Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
· The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
· It takes twice as long to look half as good.
· The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
· You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
· You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
· You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
· You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
· You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
· You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
· You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
· You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
· Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
· Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
age comes wisdom ...
A guy, 81 years old, loves to fish. He
was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says, “Well duh, can you see Florida?????”
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
A California Highway Patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on I-5 in Los Angeles. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”
A Russian and an American space engineers were talking over coffee at a scientific gathering in Florida. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American countered, “We were the first on the moon!” The blonde waitress said to the Russian, as she refilled their coffee cups, “And you know what...we’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
A blonde from Pasadena, California wrote:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales guy had told me last year… Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He didn't call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb (???).
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, “Look at that dog with one eye!” The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly,
look at that dead bird.”
A blonde in Dallas, Texas was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
another blonde, came home and said,
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.
rolled her eyes and said,
A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“Wow,” said the blonde, “that’s amazing… I’m going to buy it!” So she took the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who was also blond, saw it on her desk. “What’s that?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos… it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
“What do you have in it?” asked the boss.
“Two popsicles and some coffee.”
A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don't you know I'm Polish?”
“Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, “Do you want me to start over and talk slower?”
And FINALLY, a blonde joke to end all blonde jokes!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The first blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO......,” answered the first blonde, “they’re watch dogs!”