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A blonde was shopping at a Target store and came across a chrome-plated Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to a clerk and asked what it was. “Why that’s a Thermos...it keeps things hot and some things cold.

“Wow, “ said the blonde, “that’s amazing...I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. “Looks like you got a new Thermos,” he said.

“Yes, isn’t it amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The blonde replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”

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Did you hear about Adolf, the brown-nosed reindeer?

He could run as fast as Rudolph...he just couldn’t stop as fast.

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Why are dogs better than kids?

When you get sick of your dog you can put it to sleep.

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Hear about the new canine breed that’s half pit bull and half collie? After it mauls you, it goes for help?

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How can you identify a Polish fighter plane in a snowstorm?

It’s the one with chains on the propellers.

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Hear about the Scotsman who quit golf, and then took it up again twelve years later? He found his ball.

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There’s no secret about success.  Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you all about it?

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You’ve got to admire the IRS. Any organization that makes that much money without advertising deserves respect.

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A traffic cop pulled a blonde over for going the wrong way on a one-way street.

The frustrated cop said, “Where in the world are you going?”

“I’m not sure,” said the blonde, “but wherever it is it must be bad, because everyone else is leaving.”

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over twelve hours.

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A famous athlete, who had recently escaped from behind the Iron Curtain, was asked why the Russians excelled in marathon running. He replied, “We use the border for the finish line.”

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“Do you live within your credit,” a young Californian was asked. “Certainly not,” he replied. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room.

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Two Scotsmen were avid golfers, and had played together every Thursday for many years. The sixth tee was near the road that led to the local cemetery. One day as they reached that particular tee, a funeral passed by, and old Hamish turned and raised his club in salute.

"Mon," exclaimed Hector, "in all these years we've been a playing this course, that's the first time I've seen ye paying any respect for the dead."

"Aye, weel," explained Hamish, "when you have been married ta a woman for forty years, she's entitled to a wee bit of respect."

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There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
 
After hours of subzero temperatures and close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde said to the other,  "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care if it's decorated or not."

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Did you hear about the Scotsman who was so tight that he went out into the yard on Christmas Eve and fired a shotgun?

So he could tell his kids that Santa had killed himself.

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How about the blonde teenager whose teacher asked her students to write a hundred-word essay on what they did on their summer vacations.

The blonde wrote, "Not much" fifty times.

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A recent poll reported that the more intelligent a person is, the less he or she watches television. It is probably more likely that the more a person watches television the less intelligent he becomes.

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A guy is on a flight of a small airline. The flight famale attendant says, "Would you like dinner?

He says, "What are my choices?

The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."

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Little old lady to an Oklahoma redneck: "Is that your German Shepherd outside?

"Yeah, so what?

"Well, my cat just killed it."

"Ha, how could your cat kill my dog"

"It got stuck in his throat."

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Reports From the Internet:

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , Kansas.

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more 
often. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments in Dallas.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Bakersfield, California!

IDIOT SIGHTING: The wife and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a 
minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,  a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Mister, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."  From Topeka, Kansas

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?  Yep...From Kansas City!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied, "If it was 
without my knowledge, how would I know?"   He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."  Happened in Birmingham, Alabama.

 

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