A blonde was shopping at a Target store and came across a chrome-plated Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to a clerk and asked what it was. “Why that’s a Thermos...it keeps things hot and some things cold.
“Wow, “ said the blonde, “that’s amazing...I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “Looks like you got a new Thermos,” he said.
“Yes, isn’t it amazing. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blonde replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
Did you hear about Adolf, the brown-nosed reindeer?
He could run as fast as Rudolph...he just couldn’t stop as fast.
Why are dogs better than kids?
When you get sick of your dog you can put it to sleep.
Hear about the new canine breed that’s half pit bull and half collie? After it mauls you, it goes for help?
How can you identify a Polish fighter plane in a snowstorm?
It’s the one with chains on the propellers.
Hear about the Scotsman who quit golf, and then took it up again twelve years later? He found his ball.
There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you all about it?
You’ve got to admire the IRS. Any organization that makes that much money without advertising deserves respect.
A traffic cop pulled a blonde over for going the wrong way on a one-way street.
The frustrated cop said, “Where in the world are you going?”
“I’m not sure,” said the blonde, “but wherever it is it must be bad, because everyone else is leaving.”
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over twelve hours.
A famous athlete, who had recently escaped from behind the Iron Curtain, was asked why the Russians excelled in marathon running. He replied, “We use the border for the finish line.”
“Do you live within your credit,” a young Californian was asked. “Certainly not,” he replied. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
Two Scotsmen were avid golfers, and had played together every Thursday for many years. The sixth tee was near the road that led to the local cemetery. One day as they reached that particular tee, a funeral passed by, and old Hamish turned and raised his club in salute.
"Mon," exclaimed Hector, "in all these years we've been a playing this course, that's the first time I've seen ye paying any respect for the dead."
"Aye, weel," explained Hamish, "when you have been married ta a woman for forty years, she's entitled to a wee bit of respect."
There were two blondes
who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the Scotsman who was so tight that he went out into the yard on Christmas Eve and fired a shotgun?
So he could tell his kids that Santa had killed himself.
How about the blonde teenager whose teacher asked her students to write a hundred-word essay on what they did on their summer vacations.
The blonde wrote, "Not much" fifty times.
A recent poll reported that the more intelligent a person is, the less he or she watches television. It is probably more likely that the more a person watches television the less intelligent he becomes.
A guy is on a flight of a small airline. The flight famale attendant says, "Would you like dinner?
He says, "What are my choices?
The flight attendant replied, "Yes or no."
Little old lady to an Oklahoma redneck: "Is that your German Shepherd outside?
"Yeah, so what?
"Well, my cat just killed it."
"Ha, how could your cat kill my dog"
"It got stuck in his throat."
Reports From the Internet:
SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation
officer in Wichita , Kansas.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Bakersfield, California!
SIGHTING: The wife and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a